Tuesday, April 26, 2005

A Gay In Geylang

I walk the dark alleys at night. Through the shabby lanes and dirty streets, cockroaches frolicking at my feet.
Then they approach me again, coming towards me slowly, staring at me, hoping that I'm interested. Some choose to stand by the side of the streets waiting my advancement. Others decide to show off their goods. Yep, night after night I've been harrassed by Taxis.
Can't a guy walks home in peace in the middle of the night? Can the fucking taxi uncles stop staring at me? I dun wanna take your fucking comfort cab.
I'm like a gay in geylang, I'm not interested.

Monday, April 25, 2005

B.E.E.R Beginning Enjoy, Ending Regret

A recent session of drinking causes several funny yet embrassing situations. It involves an ambulance, 3 taxis, police and a T shirt. I shall not go into further details. In fear of excessive alcohol causing harm to the body, I went into extensive reseach (aka type "alcoholic" in yahoo).
This is what I found.
Too much alcohol grants you free membership to a secret club! In this club, you get to meet strangers and make friends every week. You get to take turns to talk about your life and everyone is interested in listening to you. No embarressment cause, you get to protect your indentity! How do it join this FAN-tastic club? Get a twin pack of Chivas and call your local Alcoholic Anonymous Group now!
In the near future, I hope to set up a service to help people like us get home. It will be called "The Magic School Bus" Our tagline will be, "we dun mind being puke at". Bascially this will be a the nightrider service with a personal touch.

Registration
Before the night of clubbing, go to our website www.themagicschoolbus.com (mirror site at www.botabolampa.com) or simply send us an sms. Identity will be kept secret. All you need to do is to provide your name, pick-up point and service required and we will give you a registration number.

Pick up point
Before entering the club, proceed to the pick up point first. Simply give your registration number and our helpful assistances will give you your tag. Make sure its of the correct color code. We have pick up point all over MS,Clark Quey to Boat Quey. Each pick up point is clearly labelled with SAF white tape. You will never miss a spot. After clubbing, just drag your carcass to within the white tape area. Next time you know, you have woke up in bed to another fresh new day of clubbing.

Services
You must be asking what's the color code for? Simple, it's to help our staff indentify you for the different services you request.

RED : I need to get home ASAP quietly
We will pull out these red taggers for the first round. Swift and stealth is the word, using our handphone nightshot mode, we will safely and quietly navigate you pass your furniture to your bedroom. Current promotion includes free baths for ladies customers.

YELLOW : I need to get home sober
We will have a group of well trained specialist to take care of you in the white tape area. Its like the medical tenatages in tekong. Once you are ready, we will send you home.

BLUE : I'm horny I need sex
The best things in the world are free. What could be better than free fucks after getting drunk? You wouldn't even know it happens. All we do is to pair up fellow blue taggers and dump them in hotel 81, and watched as their love blossom. Isn't it a wonderful start to a fuck up relationship? Disclaimer : on nights where there is an inbalance in the male to female to she-male ratio, Clubbers will have to learn the art of sharing, or discover a new sexual inclination.

Transport
Wouldn't the bus stink like hell? Sure it will. But no worries. In the morning, our buses are actual school bus. The school kids will be there to clean up your vomit in the morning, leaving more spaces for you to puke at night.

Cost
Such good services. It wounldn't even cost you much. Regisration is at $1.50 per person. All services, red blue and yellow is at the same amazing low cost of whatever we can find in your wallet. Yep thats right, we will just take whatever you have left (trust me it wouldn't be a lot).

Hmmm anyone interested to invest in my magic school bus?

Friday, April 22, 2005

Nocturnal

Prelude
In the morning, monotone is like any other regular guy. But at night he prowls the streets looking for answers without knowing the questions and ask questions that has no answers. In the serenity of the night, all senses are heighten. Emotions rises to the peak, which then falls drastically, draining him unconcious.
Monotone couldn't sleep in the morning, usually wakes up at 08 30. Tossed around in bed for 2 hrs feeling like shit. At night it's worse. He needs to find peace to sleep.

Mon : Runaway
Reached home at 00 30, i decided to go jogging, hopin that it will tired me out enough. Put on my mp3 player. Went for a jog around the area, emiem rapping mockingbird to my ears. The night is cool and calming, I could only felt my heartbeat and nothing else. Reaching the end I sprint all the way, letting it all out.
Reach home at 01 00, feeling shag and satisfied. Bath and went to bed.
Couldn't sleep. I seems to be more awake after the run. Came up and played Ps 2 at 01 45. Help adol save the world till 03 15. Force myself back to bed again. Couldn't sleep. Am too excited after playing the game. Lie in bed and thought about stuff about religion, meaning of life, my future, my.......
Woke up at 08 30, forgotten wat the fuck I've thought about.
(Intelligence peaks at 03 30 )

Tues : This is not a counter
Left office at 02 30. Wander around the area a bit, refusing to go home. Decided to take a walk to Mustafa, the 24 hr one stop shopping paradise. Reach Mustafa at around 03 00. Shop around a bit and something caught my eye.
This indian cashier sits behind a counter with a cash registry on top. And on the table top was a hand written sign "This is not a counter". I'm thinking what the fuck? This guy must be slacking. Wanted to go up to him and say " er.... This is not a counter, so are you not a cashier?"
As I was walking towards him to deliver my punchline, I suddenly realised that i do not have enough balls to make fun of an indian in his territory. Left Mustafa at 0345 with my tail between my legs.
Woke up at 0830, wash my face with the facial foam bought from Mustafa.
( Cowardness peaks at 0340 )

Wed : Shit
Left office at 03 15 with work still uncomplete. Walked passed Golden mile complex, saw lao uncles going out suppering with KTV china girls. Suddenly saw my future in them. Walk all the way home. And guess what? Loads of taxis flooding down serangoon road, bringing happy clubbers home.
I feel like shit.
Refuses to cross the road, I stood there, watching each and everyone of their fucking faces sitting the their little cab, happily going home to sleep. Green Man, Red man, Green Man, Red man...... I went home.
Lying in my bed, still stress out from work, I feel like shit. Why can't I complete my work? Why is there so much to do? Why did i choose this line? Why? I wanna die.... I wanna cry.... I wanna quit.
STOP WHINING BITCH. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO SLEEP. THERE IS MORE TO DO TOMMORROW.
Woke up at 08 30, Looking forward to complete my job today.
(Pride peaks at 03 45)

Thurs : Deja vu
Finally complete my work. Left office at 02 20... happy that I have finished my work. Took a slow walk home enjoying the scenery. Reached home at 02 40. Forgot to bring my keys.
Damn.
Walk down to the nearest 7-11 bought a long island, sit by the road and drink, feeling a little stupid . Walked back to office. Reached office at 03 15, all shag out.
Took my keys and walk home again. Its like Deja vu but not, because it really did happened.
Since it happens twice but no one saw it, does it means that it never happen before? Did I really walk twice or was I caught in a time laspe? I dun know, I dun care, I need to sleep.
Woke up at 08 30, dun feel like walking today.
(Confusion peaks at 0340)

Fri : Rest In Peace
Went home at 23 00, proceed to blog immeadiatly. Finally finish my job for the month. 0010, muscle bear appears on my sweet nightingale. Chatted with her for a while.... ok, not a while, she completely distracted my blogging. Was blinded by her blog for a split second. Then a drunk ni3telrooy join in the chat room, turning it into a threesome, international, interracial chat. I need to sleep. But it drags on to 01 30. Couldn't take it anymore. Sign off MSN . Went to sleep.
Woke up at 08 30 , Don't need to work today.
(Communication peaks at 01 00)

Epilogue
If you see someone wander the streets of beach road to little india past midnight, its probably monotone. Have a heart, go up to him, tell him to go home and sleep. He deserves the rest.

This entry is planned on Tues but written on Sat. Is this blog a summery of monotone's life? Or is it a script where he lives his life to? You be the judge.



Thursday, April 21, 2005

My Sweet Nightingale

The air is stale, the smell is mouldy. I looked around, nothing's change... nothing will change. I'm like trapped in a time warp where day mixes up with night. I've been here since forever. Forever is a sec in time. A sec which never passed. A sec in eternal loop.
I'm getting incoherent. What the fuck did I just said? Sorry. Who am I apologizing to? Am I talking to myself? When I talk to myself can others hear me?
My last memories of the outside is faint, yet I dreadfully holds on to it refusing to let it go. I was bound and gagged, threw and trapped in this room. Force to work 24 /7, my life is slowly sucked away from me. I was totally shut off from the outside world.
Oh! What wouldn't I give, just to see a glimsp of sunlight?
Then a miracle happens. Out of no where a magical little nightingale appears. And with it, a msg from a friend. I opened up the little roll of paper tied at its little leg.
Its reads "Yoz, hosay bo? Working again ah?"
I almost cried. My first contact with the outside world. I quickly scribble a msg back and sent the nightingale away.....
It has been months since I first met the little magical bird. Despite being trapped in this hell hole, My Sweet Nightingale carries msg for me to the outside world, spreading out my existance. In reality I'm a dead man. But on air, I'm still alive. Communitcating through my sweet nightingale.
Though sometimes that little bastard sends me coughs and cold. Or fucking just refuse to work, I couldn't complain. Its my only means of contacting the outside world.
They can trap me physically but my spirit will be free. Soaring in the air on My Sweet Nightingale (MSN).

(monotone is currently working 18 hours a day. His only life left is online. Please add him at monotone_sg@yahoo.com. He will be more than happy to talk to you. One day if he is not online, it means that he has finally broken free, or jus that the internet connection is down again)

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The curse of the gab

2 weeks ago, I was at Jb and while chewing gum, my tooth chip off. Thinking back, I jus realised something (Yes, it takes me 2 weeks to form an opinion. So if some gals were to rape me, it will take 2 weeks before I felt dirty, or used). Yes, the curse has struck again.
I'm always proud of the fact I speak my mind, it eliminates the false front. But, I in turn end up offending people. I always hates the fact the some bastards are taking advantage of others kindness, and people, being nice on the whole will be too shy to point it out (or so I believe). That's when I step out and speak my mind. Which makes me looks worse. The fucker that offend the bastard -___-'''
A believer in karma, I always gets my fair share back when I offend, talk bad, insult, make fun of others.
A list of my mouth injury:
In kindergarden, I fell down at home and chip both my front teeth.
In Pri 1 , the needle broke in my gum during an injection
In pri 3 , my teeth are darn crooked and lots of extraction occurs.
In Pri 4 , chicken pox started around mouth area, allergic to seafood ever since.
then onward, lots of teeth falling and extraction took place.
Sec 3, drinking off a bottle of frozen water, I squeeze the bottle. The ice on top rush out and scrap off the top of my mouth.
Poly, Did a somersault on my bed. In a classic chew pa teo ka, ka pa teo lam pa (hand hits leg, which in turn hits balls) situation, my legs hits the wall, causing my knee to hit my mouth, scraping off the middle of my lips. While applying ice to the wound, it got stuck there -__-.
Army, 10 plus trips to the dentist, gums kena scrape, tooth kena extraced.
Now, usual mouth injury including loose jaw when yawning, lips swelling, frequent biting of own tounge, skin on inner top of mouth falling off after drinking hot soup.
Some may say, you didn't take care of your teeth enough. True. Others will say why don't you just say good things. No. I am a honest guy with a bad mouth. Fuck you.

(monotone believes that everyone has evil thoughts but just doesn't say it. Deep inside, he hopes he can have good thoughts too)

Friday, April 15, 2005

Pornoholic

Rapid rise in porn industry have raise a genration of peeping toms, perverts and freaks. The idea of porn is quite interesting. Basically watching porn is seeing people doing things that you wanna do. As in watching others fuck cause you are horny (aka wanna fuck) .
So if u apply this to hunger, it means that when you are hungry, you watch video clips of people eating. Cat 3 will be soft eating where they eat hawker food. Cat 4 will be the more hardcore restautrants and fast food. Cat 5 will be exotic food like durians.

Why the porn industry will never fall
According to evolution physcology, man are mentally design to want different sex partners, that way it will ensure the survivor of the species. Woman on the other hand, are loyal to their partners cause they want security and protection of their own child. But in this pro monogamy society, having a few wives is not possible, too troublesome and expansive anyway. So you have people playing cosplay with their wives or outsourcing their needs at geylang. Anyway, the point is that man wanna have sex wif many different woman. That's the selling point of the porn industry. Imagine man are loyal to their porn like woman are to their vibrators. Every father mother son will just need a single porn in their entire life. Selling porn will be harder than selling insurance.

Types of porn
Demand and supply in the porn industry is great. Look at the catergaory and choices you have now. (List off a porn site I'm "researching")

Monster cock
High school sluts
Facial cum
Busty Babes
Amatures
Anal Pleasures
Threesome
Fat chicks
Pregeant
Mature
Bukkake
Blowjobs
Wet wives
MILF
Shaved Sluts
Asian
The list goes on....
(i'm not listing beastality here cause I'll list that under documentry not porn)

To me , I list porn not by fetishes but by theme

1. Chinese Cat 3
Stories probably more interseting then the porn itself. Softest of the soft core, most Untempting of the erotic. Fake moans with half the body covered in blanket. Ya and you will notice that the guy screams louder than the gal to show her skill. (Note to HK Cat 3 Film makers: Guys screaming dun turn us on)

2. English Playboy collection
Blending art with eroticness has never been worse. Nicely shot, off focus characters in lacey lingerie. Get to the point please.

3.English Story mode
The funniest of them all. You'll see cliche storylines with VERY lame dialouge. Usually, a (plumber/gardener/policeman/mailman/construction worker/ neighbour/ doctor) will stumble upon a (housewive/student/teenage gal) ,who is (wet/horny/self gratifying) . Exchange a few lame lines and off they go.
Lame lines
Garderner : I belive there's some pruning here for me to do.
Plumber: Check mine while I check yours?
Policeman: Somebody's real naughty today.
Constuction worker: ...... (takes out work in progress sign)
Mailman : (pulls down pants) here's a godsend.
Housewive : Oh.... yes..... yes..!
Student: Oh.... yes..... yes..!
Teenage gal: Oh.... yes..... yes..!

4.English Street Challenge.
Bring a new twist to reality tv comes the street challenge. Pioneering hit series Bang Bus depicts a group of guys picking gals off the street, fuck them and dump them off. I used to believe that its real, but it ends up like another Santa Claus. Faked and paid for. Next is MILF (mums I love to fuck), probably its the producer's mother they are fucking. Then follows a huge rush into the market by others Mike apartment, captain stabbin, In the Vip, backroom Blowjobs..... Over staturated market now.

5.Jap Story Mode
Despite the fact that i know nuts about the language, I can still make out the storyline. Guess Porn is the real universal language afterall.

6.Jap AV star "my life my story"
Av gal speaks to the camera in her cute voice, cut to her walking down the street, cut to her in hot action, cut to her interview, cut to some behind the scene stuff. WHat you get is a gal cute outside and horny in the bed... great.

7.Jap WYSIWYG
Probably the best porn in the world. No story, no shit just lots of hot action. No dull moments at all as actors skillfully changes from one position to another. All in fine style. If there is only one porn you can watch in youir entire life, You will not wanna miss this.

Choose your fetish
One interesting point I found is that guys rather buy porn themselves. No one really asks a friend to buy porn cause you dun wanna reveal what turns you on.

A : Hey u goin JB ah? help me buy porn leh.
B : Ok. what you wan?
A : Eh.... anything lor.
B : Angmorican or not?
A : Dun wan la jap la.
B : Ok... any jap will do rite?
A :No la help me find tua liap one.
B : wah ok la. Jap tua liap ah?
A : And hor... and wear the leather one..
B : wa lan SM ah... knn i dunno u watch that type one leh.
A : No la... haha... eh can find big dick also?
B : ok . Big dick Vs tua liap jap SM correct?
A : Actually its Tua liap Jap tranny with big dick SM dogs
B : .... user appears offline

Saturday, April 09, 2005

She whose name shall not be mention.

Her page is in pretty pink with her well photoshopped and chio picture with sexy pose on top of it. Her blogs are candid and witty with appropriate use of knn. Her name is Xiaxue.... shit did I just mentioned her name? I think I just heard a xx groupie sound a CAT1 alarm in a distance.
Why her name shall not be mentioned? All in fear of groupie powers.
Blog groupies are a unique type. They read up on your life and feels that they can really relate to you and THINKS THAT they know how you feel. Most of the xx fans' comments are " No, i think xx meant this..." "All xx wanna say is..." I not dissing anyone here, I'm just making and observation. Did I mention that I'm a xx groupie too? Just that I don't post comments on her blog.
So far in all the battles in her blog, xx returns victoriously.
xx 1 : mole christian 0
xx 1 : fiona xie 0
xx 1 : taxi gal 0
xx 1 : lalalabom 0
How many gals can say that they won fiona xie? Anyway, most of the time its a personal time turn public where the groupies will all swam in and attack the other party ie in the lalalabom incident. Its nothing good or bad... just adds more drama to the whole blogging scene. Me?.. I'm loving it.
I think that xx must know that her groupie powers cannot be underestimated. My humble advice is that same of Peter Paker's uncle.

"Knn, wu lang mai zuo , zuo spider. Sibeh xia xuay!"

sorry wrong one, its....

"with great powers comes greater responsiblities"

I wanna conduct an experiment but am too hum chee to do it. Its goes like this.
Say some really mean things about xx on your blog. And see how long is it before she hunt you down and kill you like a vicious python and throw your remains to her groupies who will take turn to suck ur blood and rape you till the end of time.... sounds like hell isn't it?
If I saw xx on the street, I wounldn't even dare to go up approach her, fearing that she might be easily offended. i.e

monotone " Hi , are you xx?"
xx "what did you just said?"
monotone " Ermmm... i said Hi?"
xx "Did you just fucking said high? Are you insulting me?"
monotone " Oh no... I'm jus..."
xx "Die, motherfucker!"( takes up digtial cam and took my photo)

Next thing I know, I'll be on the run. My mother will disown me, my dog will bite me. My friends will turn me in. Cause the whole world seems to be xx groupies. I'll hide out at hotel 81 and when the coast is clear, i'll move to some small kampong in malaysia that doesn't have internet. Only to find out that they wear the clothes that she endorse and have to run further up to thailand. My life is ruined.

No matter wat happens, I'm still a xx groupie. One day if I saw her on the streets and if ihave enough balls that day,I will go up and say hi.... i mean hello.

(If xx or any of her groupies saw this post, please do not throw my pic up xx blog insult my command of english, my looks , my family, my religion my race and other stuff... i am not worthy)

Friday, April 08, 2005

Get a life! (and some pork)

Life's getting sucky recently. My working hours now is 11pm to 3.30 am. When I reached home, I get fell asleep straight.. no time for my comics or porn.... and my PS2 is quitely sobbing in the corner. Anyway, my collegues and I was eating at a bak gu tae shop recently , the pig's trotters taste so damn great. Lemme drift a bit and talk about pork.

I never understand why people hates pork, its the ultimate meat. Its versatiltiy is unparalleled. All the people that doesn't eat pork are considered vegetarians to me. I'm not insulting muslims here cause I think they missed greatest food in life. In that case try beef instead.
Man eat pork. Real man eat spare parts. Spare parts is the term use for internal organs like liver, stomach, kidney and other misc quay chup stuff. I know it sounds dirty to eat those, but you must really try it. The texture, the taste, the feel, the after taste... heavenly. I hope one day people will appriciate pig spare parts so that it wil attaine the same level of class as steak.

In a high class france restaurtant in the near future. ( Read the following in high class hokkien with france accent)

Waiteress : Bo jio! Can i take your order please
Me : Certainly. Can I have a portion of "le te kua" (the pig liver)
Waiteress : How would you like it prepared?
Me : Boilied in hot water. I wanna feel the raw taste.
Waiteress : Ah, you really know how to appricate your livers. Any sauce?
Me : Lam Lor, mia hiam. (add sauce, no chilli)
Waiteress: Any soup for you sir, The soup of the day is cream of stomach.
Me : Can I have a brain soup instead?
Waiteress: Sure, enjoy your meal.

Did I mentioan that pig brain soup taste damn great? So does pig brain fried with egg.... ANyway back to my topic again...

Anyway, my collegues and I was eating at a bak gu tae shop recently. My boss came out of the toliet darn exceited.
"hey, they have a mirror in the toilet."
I'm like "so?"
And he said, "Oh i haven't seen myself in 2 weeks liao"

Wah damn sad. He has not been home for 2 weeks, has not seen his family and friends for 2 weeks... and now he hasn't even seen himself in two weeks. He sleeps in the office , work 24/7... I think I just saw my future.
Nowadays, the only life I got is the one that comes with straits times. Damn, I got no life and I'm lame, try to top that. Volka , anyone?

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

......

I'm tired of living... let me rest...

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Never TCS flirt with the same sex

This is how to flirt with the opposite sex, TCS style.

Boy makes fun of Girl.
Girl pouts.
Boy makes fun of Girl again.
Girl tells him to stop it.

Boy still makes fun of Girl.
Girl hits boy.
Boy reacts in a cute manner.

Girls contine to hit Boy.
Boy trys to stop her.
They will play fight but suddenly stop and stare into each other in the eye.
For no fucking reason they'll kiss, follow by a cut sence of them walking down the beach.

This is how to flirt with the same sex, TCS style.

Girl A makes fun of Girl B.
Girl B pouts.
Girl A makes fun of Girl B again.
Girl B cries and run to her brother.

Girl B's brother found a group of guys to raped Girl A to teach her a lesson.
Girl B is sad that she has ruined her friend's life and decided to dedicate her life to prostitution.





BoyA makes fun of BoyB.
BoyB tulan.
BoyA makes fun of BoyB again.
BoyB warns him to stop it.

BoyA still makes fun of BoyB.
BoyB hits BoyA.
BoyA died

BoyB was sentenced to life.
His brother's Cheeky, Monkey and Donoven never went to visit him.

REMEMBER! Never TCS flirt with the same sex!

Friday, April 01, 2005

26 Nov 1982

On the night of twenty six, november, eighty two,
The staff of KK Hospital, dunno what to do.
In room thirteen a chinese woman is soon to give birth.
They do not know if the baby is a blessing or a curse.

A stormy night a year ago, an old man rushes in,
He jumps up on the table, where he could be seen.
"I'm a prophet" he roared, " you fuckers better bow down"
"For I have a vision of a things a year from now."

"Something great will happen, twelve months from this date,
two babies will be born, of opposing fate.
One is kind, with righteousness, he'll rule the world
The other just the oppersite, and havoc he will stir."

"What should we do?", the nurses cried, in voices full of fear.
"Just follow my instructions and salvation will be near.
Here I have in this bag, filled with magic stones,
Throw them on the babies head, it'll turn them monotone."

"With this stones, their level of good or evil will be neutralised"
I'll even throw in this cute little bag, if you can pay the price.
There are ten stones in here, for there will be ten births that night,
Although goodness will be sacrifised, the evil must be destroyed"

The staffs all pooled thier money, one thousand to be exact,
The prophet refuse credit cards, only cash transact.
As mysteriously the old man emerged, the same he disappeared.
The magic stones are safely kept, for that fateful night they are geared.

Back in nineteen eighty two, the situation do far,
the staffs of the hospital are still in a dilemma.
For there are eleven birth that night, instead of the predicted ten.
What should they do with the remaining magic stone at hand?

Just when their predicament, couldn't get any worse,
Another woman in room seventeen, has just given birth.
"Bring the three babies together, then we will decide."
With only one stone in hand , we have to determine what is right"

It seems to be fated, each child is of different race.
One indian the other chinese, the last one's a malay.
By looking at their cute little faces, it's hard to know who'll go astray,
But a vote has been decided, to kill the indian kid anyway.

Now only left with two, the best way for this to be concluded,
Is to throw the last stone up, for fate will decide where it landed.
Fingers crossed and eyes closed, they threw the stone up high,
The stone flew down matrix style and hit the chinese boy.

The boy immediately stopped crying and all taces of emotions earsed,
He has turn monotoned, with a poker face.
As for the malay boy, to a Mosque he was took.
To end the night in celebration, the staffs all went to zouk.

Since generations has pass, this story has never been heard,
No one knows the malay kid turns out a saint or bastard.
All files that night has been erased, all access forbid.
But the words on the street is that the kid's name is .... harmid?
Damned!