Ticket to Heaven

“When you get to Heaven
People got to say
How you get to Heaven?
How you earn your way?”

The ultimate goal for everyone, I assume, is to eventually end up in heaven. To quote from a friend of mine “Life is like a 70 years long interview. Is only after that, that you know if you get the position”

So is the eligibility to enter Heaven based on good behavior? Maybe not so, you also have to choose the right religion to follow. In South Park the movie, when Kenny died and reaches the Pearly Gates, Everyone is waiting for the gate keeper to announce the “Right” religion. Cynical, but true to some extend.

A friend of mine and I was discussing what could be the mysterious criterial for Heaven. Could it be based on your wealth? Rich people got what they want on Earth already, why not in Heaven too?

How about only beautiful people can enter Heaven? Unless you don’t mind spending eternity with ugly people. And finally It could be based on…….. Your ‘O’ Level result O____O ‘’’ Wished you had study harder didn’t you?

Stand By Me

It was supposed to be a peaceful day.

Like any other lazy Saturday, I was just lying around, refusing to wake up early when suddenly a loud speaker alarm went off. I peep out my window and saw this guy shouting at the top of his voice through the loudspeaker.

“All of you come down now! Gather at the field below!”

Thinking its something urgent, I rush down immediately. It’s definitely a rare sight to see everyone, squeezing in the life and most running down the stairs. Trust me, I’ve never seen 80 year olds run before. I almost thought world war three is here.

Most people are sitting neatly in rows as I came down. People from the town council are there, enforcing order and discipline. In less than 10 minutes the whole block 868 was down sited at the field. No one knew what was going on. No one dared to ask. Silence was choked the air.

The MP slowly walks up. Everyone starts to mutter curiously. Town council members sprung into action to maintain silence. Those caught talking were force to stand at the back. The MP cleared his throat and spoke.

“Ok 868, Very simple. Who down here dunno wat is the IMF? Everyone know right? Excellent.

OK, what happen is, these Ang moh come to Singapore huh, they wan to look around. Because why? Because Ang mo live in Ang Mo chu. They never seen your lock cok HDB in their country before, understand? So Lan lan, they want to see, we have to show them. Corrite?

FOk basically what will happen now is, They will come later to see. So I want all of you to go up, clean your house and get ready to show them ok? Later when they come, All of your will be standing outside your house. I will be down here greeting them and bring them up, do you roger so far?

You all look up ah, from here I can see the whole block. If later when I greet them , any of you motherfather moves, you will jolly well get it from me understand! Ah!

If you so suay the Ang Moh step into your house. Answer them in English understand? Dun need to think one. Everything say Very good, and end with SIR! Can liao.

You have 1 hour to clean your bloody house before They come, so u better hurry up!”

Everyone sat there, staring in disbelief.

“Waiting for What?” Your 1 hour starts 5 minutes ago! GO! GO! GO!”

The crowd makes a mad rush for the life lobby

“Oi! Who say you can use the lift. Later spoil like how? I carry the Ang Moh up ah? You all got hand got leg, Using the fucking stairs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wore my smartest clothes as I made a final check for any dust. Members of the town council made random inspections around the block.

“Lai Liao, Lai Liao. Get leady!”

Like prairie dogs, the town council members stood up, look down, and made a dash to fall in. We quickly get into position, standing stiff and silently, waiting for the guests to come, straining our ears to listen to what’s happening.

“868, Thiam!”

“mumble , mumble…. Total strength 528 …. Present….. Mumble.. mumble”

“868. At ease!”

“868!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood there waiting. 20 minutes gone by. Nothing happens. Suddenly the lift opens, an Ang moh walks out with the MP following nervously behind. Like he own the whole fucking building, he walk straight pass me into my house. Stroll around wondering in awe how we fit into such a small place.

“Is this your apartment, son?”

I never understand why Ang Moh like to call others “son”, guess its their equivalent of “Lim peh”. Trying to figure out his thick accent, I muster my all my language ability and answered

“Yes. Very Good Sir! This is a part of the whole building. My house, Sir!”

“So how’s the food here?

“Yes . Very Spicy Sir!”

“Ah I see. What is your vocation, son?

“Yes Very Good Sir! I working now. No school, so no more vacation, Sir!”

The Ang Moh just smiled and walk away….

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back at the field the MP was obviously happy that the guest didn’t find fault in his visit here.

“Ok 868, the visit was ok ah. Some of your house are still fucking dirty. Lucky the Ang Moh didn’t see it. My town council members have take down your name liao. Those that kena, will do burn your weekend help me pick up phone calls at the town council understand. Ok you all can kindly fuck off liao. I wan you all to disappear from here in 10 seconds. Move!”

Damn. It was supposed to be a peaceful day.

Simi Taiti?

I was at Prince of Wales last night meeting some long lost primary school friends. Upon reaching there, 2 of my friends are playing cards with an Ang Moh and his SPG girlfriend.

So this Ang moh was busy explaining the rules of the card game with us and the SPG chirp in , in mandarin “ Oh this is same as taiti (big 2) but a bit different”

We continue to patronize the foreign talent while he taught us his Ang Moh version of taiti, which in my humble local opinion, is stupid compared to our traditional taiti.

Which in turn made me thought, why do 4 Chinese people need to learn how to play a crappy card game while the 1 Ang moh could have just learn the excellent Taiti? Why bring the cow to the water when you could bring the water to the cow? Is the SPG even doing her job? Knn waste my time.

End of Sorrow

There are false rumors circulating the internet about the mysterious disappearance of the once popular blog band, circle of sorrow. Most speculate that they fell out over money issues while others guessed that they were exposed of hand syncing…. Some even believed that they don’t write their own entries. This entry today will expose, for the first time, the auto biography of circle of sorrow aptly named “Even a circle has its ends”

Circle of sorrow was form way back in 2005 where a group of friends with similar interest form together to expressed themselves. They believe in passion, in giving it all and most of all, to be true to themselves. Manger and band leader, N, quickly got the resources together and kick start their career.

But going from underground to mainstream soon proves wrong; as the problems arose start to rip the very fabric of the band.

A non web savvy member drops out almost immediately as he could not figure how to sign up to blogger, while another team mate did not receive the invitation to join. N, with his quick reactions, change the band name to Rectangle of Regret to push the team on.

Things start to fall in place as entries starts to come in. Meanwhile, the other member that still did not receive his invitation gave up. N did not make any effort to extend his invitation again, but instead change the name to Triangle of Tragedy. Till this day, I still believed that no invitation was sent out at all. N hated his guts.

Left with three, the band still goes strong and just before we were hitting platinum, my fellow band mate lost his password. He could never get back into the scene again. To me, the fate of the band is near. An optimistic N suggests we form a duo, Line of Lameness. We tried out a few gigs but there seems to be no chemistry between us. Circle of Sorrow ends its successful career in August 2005. All the third world countries raise their flags at half mast to mourn for this tragedy. Millions of hearts are broken, billions of dreams shattered. The world, without them, is never the same again….

Ps: Remaining blogger, i.e: me, will be releasing his debut single “Dot of Despair: Catch it soon, at a monitor near you : D

Back

No grand entrance, no fanfare.
Monotone slips back into his domain, as silently as he left here previously.
Everything was the same as it was left off, no thick layers of dust or cobwebs. That’s the beauty of going digital isn’t it? Being gone for 9 months from the net is like disappearing for 9 years in human years. The internet aged faster than dogs.
In the blog sphere, things have changed much since 9 months ago. A certain popular podcast is now updated once everyday, although it seems to be funny only once every week. A former nemesis of a certain SPG turned into a SPG herself despite her denial of it. (Yeap, putting an Ang Moh dick in your mouth automatically makes you an SPG, just like a Malay dick makes you a mat lover and a Nigger dick makes u a Deep throat victim). And the nemesis of the new turned SPG became the unofficial self proclaimed truth seeker.
Nothing and everything have changed for me since last year. This year was the record low in my life. I wasn’t really sober in a large portion of it. But it seems like a natural progression from where I’ve left off.
IF you think that someone else have stolen monotone’s password and wrote this post, you are not alone, I have to admit I’ve turn pretty rusty after 9 months of not writing…. Or thinking. So bear with me, monotone will resume his witty sarcasms soon.
Its good to be back.